w3bgrl.co.uk

The $60,000 Woman

As Auntie astutely pointed out just now, after SRS, I will have spent over $60,000 on surgeries.  Add to that several thousands on electro, doctors, meds, and research.  Wow!  For my situation, factor in three concurrent moves, one of them internationally.  No wonder it has taken me so fracken long!
If someone had told me the total before I had begun, I would have doubted that I could never raise that much.   Mountains, it seems, only look big after moved most of the stones.

Science Catching Up With Transfolk

According to a recent study,
a genetic “tug of war” determines your sex . How nice of science to play catch up like that.

Transsexual had right to choose female officer for strip search

It’s not without issues, but it seems trans folk won a small victory in the Human Rights Tribunal of Ontario.

Frack Me! 12 Days!

As my mom would say, “Hot damn!”

A Tale of Two Titties by Charlize Chickens Or 20 Days

While it might have been better to post this two days ago, this title is sily enough to do the job.

First things first, 20 days. Fracken hell. Auntie gave me a phone message that Liz, the head specialist nurse for my surgery, will be phoning next week for a 40-minute preadmission phone call. As I nor any member of my immediate family has been or is currently a member of the Communist Party, I hope it won’t be too bad. Honestly, though, what questions about my health require 40 minutes to talk about? Still, I would much rather get read the trans riot act than not be prepared myself or receive substandard care.

On the slightly more personal front, I’ve nearly completed preparations for surgery. I haven’t lost all of the weight that I wanted to, but my health and stamina has greatly improved, particularly in my leg muscles. Left on the list are the aforementioned discussion, getting one more anti-androgen shot this week, filling all of the post-hospital scripts, and finishing the house’s spring cleaning. I do wish that we had a bit more money saved up, but, if everything goes well today in a meeting with my line manager, that may not be as much of an issue. I still can’t believe that surgery is so close.

The closer it goes, though, the more I am in a quandry about what to do about this blog. I am certain that there will be a number of issues to discuss post-surgery. Auntie and I already have plans from going swimming for the first time in years to finally being able to have sex without crying about it afterwards. All of which, I want to put here, but, honestly, it seems that the lion’s share of those are simply completely private.

The social transition, the “real life test,” is really the biggest change. After my facial feminization surgery, people didn’t even recognize me. It made a huge difference in my life. While I expect that life after SRS will be much more rewarding and fulfilling, it strikes me that while SRS isn’t all about it, a large part of SRS is purely about sex. Yes, I’ll get to go swimming without much worry. And no, I won’t have to tuck anymore. All of those wil be a big relief, but they strike me as relatively minor. It’s certainly not a universal, but sex is rather private for me, something that I share with just one other person and after quite a bit of groundwork is laid down (so to speak). So, after all is said and done, after I have healed up, do I close this chapter and move on? Hm. Dunno. I have another non-trans blog elsewhere and post fairly regularly to it. And I’ll be happy to give folks the URL if you email me (w3bgrl at this domain).

In essence, though, this blog is just an iceburg tip. The fundamental question is not whether I want to go “super-hyper-mega-deep” stealth or whatever the hell people call it but the degree to which I want to identify as trans. It’s a stubborn nut, I feel. If you do, then you are carrying around baggage. If you don’t, you are denying who you are. If you do, you are setting yourself up as an agent of discord in a society that pretends that you don’t exist. If you don’t, you are “selling out” in some way, neglecting other trans folk still in the community. If you do, have you “earned your stripes”? If you don’t, are you making it harder for people to go through the same thing that you did? I’d like to think that post-SRS, being trans is something like having a third nipple; it’s not really a big issue and doesn’t come up that often; when it does, it’s a little wierd, but it’s back under the radar soon afterwards.

But of course, all of this is simply the rants and raves of someone who isn’t quite there yet. I place quite a bit of faith in my own abilities; they have gotten me this far and that’s pretty darn good in my book, but here isn’t there and it’s often better to just let things be until their time has come.

No HRT, 35 Days, And Wow!

It’s been a good week in Lake Woebegone.  I’ve been off HRT for a week now and I think my body has adjusted.  The landing has been fairly soft, only a few hot flashes and a couple mood swings to deal with.  Being on that much Premarin for that long may have given me a curvy figure, but I’ll gladly leave my HRT-induced second adolescese behind me.

Less than five weeks remain between me and going in to the hospital.  Bloody hell - 34 days now.  Despite my periodic attempts to get worked up over this, time is going by quite quickly.

I let work know that I would need time off for a required “surgery” today.  Much to my delight, everyone has been quite receptive and helpful.   I’m about 20% through the list of people who need to know initially, though the key folk are done now.  Honestly, it’s all a bit anticlimactic - a wonderful relief.  If all goes well, I may even be able to work from home for a few weeks before coming back into the office. 

Last Day of HRT

So!  Yesterday was my last day of HRT. Bye-bye estrogen!  Oddly, I haven’t had any nasty side effects as yet.  No hot flashes.  No night sweats.  I don’t think I have even been that bitchy.  It’s kinda cewl. 

However, the fact that I am 42 days from checking in to hospital has reached that Keanu Reeves “Whoa!” stage.

The First Transport Is Away

Auntie mailed The Check to Mr Thomas yesterday.  In my best (or worst) Southern accent, we are now ₤10,000 pounds more po’.  Additionally, we mailed the first bit of paperwork at the same time. 

To add a certain air of artificial drama, on looking at the calendar yesterday, I realized that it was time to start ramping down on my HRT.  Both steps have real implication, but I’m trying to not put any extra emphasis on them, wanting to keep my stress evels as low as possible.  I figure going off HRT is enough of a head-fuck.  At least I am getting the anti-androgren implant/shot on Thursday.  My GP was so easy about the whole thing, too.  I told her what was happening, when I was stopping HRT, my concerns about testosterone raging through my bloodstream, and she asked, “So, what did you have in mind then?” So easy.

Last weekend as well, we did a bit of shopping - nightshirts, cheap undies, and pads - oh my!  These past few days, the fact that all of this is really happening has slapped me in the face with full force.  To be honest, though, my mind has dwelt more on the after-effects.  I will be able to finally get on with the rest of my life, no longer … caged by transition. I can’t help thinking that I have held back Auntie as well, her surgery being completed ages ago. 

But even as I look up at the last hill of surgery, pain, healing, dialations, and everything that making it over the finaly hurdle entails, I can’t help but think that life after this physical transition must be at least a bit easier.  This road has been so hard. I’ve had some great successes, and I’m quite happy and proud of how far I’ve come.  But I want so much for it to be over.

So close… so close!

56 Days… Now With Sprinkles!

You might say that I have been less than a happy, hoppity bunny in the past few weeks, but that would undershoot the mark by quite a bit. It’s been so bad as of late that I was starting to wonder if the muscles in my neck were ever going to relax. Neck problems, back problems, feeling tired all the time, majorly depressed without the release that comes from crying - it’s not been a stellar Spring thus far to be honest.

I wouldn’t go so far as to say that’s is all over, but I hope that I have at least turned a bit of a corner. Several things helped quite a bit, such as talking with Auntie, not allowing myself to work over the weekend, and knowing that this and next are short weeks, but the real kicker to it all has been deciding that my attitude had to change.

I’ve felt … completely out of control - helpless in so many ways. I can’t change the fact that we are going to incur more debt because of my surgery. I can’t change the fact that I might loose my current job when I let them know that I have to take so much time off. I can’t change the fact that I am pre-op now and that to finish this phase of my life, I have to go through a surgery that is going to take some major healing afterwards. The one thing that I can change is my reaction to it.

It seems odd to me that I would be going through this now. I have a bit of a turbulent ride to start my transition, but after which, I felt quite positive about my life. “The important thing is that I am still making progress,” I used to say, even when going through hours and hours of conventional electrolysis, even when I lost my job, even when I looked up at the mountain of getting out of debt and then saving more thank $40K for my facial surgery, even when I was forced to spend my days in the wrong gender role. Odd, I suppose, but then I suppose we all have the ability to dig for the pony or despair at all of the shit we are surrounded by.

I’ve been in much worse situations than the current one, having much less reason for hope than I do now. After all, in just 56 days, I’ll be on my way to check-in at the hospital. Just 56 days! I *have* been working out daily. I *have* been emotionaly preparing for it. We *do* have the money to pay for it. And I have a wonderfully supportive partner who has been through it all her herself.

When I got into work today, I asked myself, “So, what can I do to make this week as fun as possible?” It’s been ages since I asked a question like that, ages since I thought like that. It’s such a release to do so again!

Time Passing, A Bit of Research, and that Wholesome Disconnected Feeling

Okay, okay. I know. It has been ages since I posted. It’s been 22 days in fact, which has my toes wiggling with happiness at the moment. As I have taken the day off ill due a back injury from this weekend and Auntie is nagging me about it, I thought I would drop a wee little post down.

At any rate, my daily grind is still taking it out of me. I’ve been so tired at the end of some weeks that, in Auntie’s words, “at least it is keeping your mind off surgery.” She’s even had to remind me to take care of some details, like scheduling an anti-androgen shot with the local surgery. Heck, I’m only 5 weeks from stopping HRT! So, I guess you could say that time has been passing pretty quickly, a nice change of pace from my last build up to surgery.

On the whole, then, I have actually felt slightly disconnected from SRS itself. Sure, I have been preparing for it, but so much of that has been focused on work or other details, I haven’t really given as much thought to … well, I haven’t obsessed as much as did with FFS. ATM, I am chalking this up to my life being closer to what I really want on a day-to-day basis.

So, I wanted to do some research on anti-androgen shots and whatnot today, so I fired up Ye Old Google Search Engine. After perusing the results for a while, I felt quite disconnected from it all. Bah! Perhaps it’s just my ego getting in the way.

Anyhoo, take care all!