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A Tale of Two Titties by Charlize Chickens Or 20 Days

May 16, 2006 on 8:06 am | In Trans |

While it might have been better to post this two days ago, this title is sily enough to do the job.

First things first, 20 days. Fracken hell. Auntie gave me a phone message that Liz, the head specialist nurse for my surgery, will be phoning next week for a 40-minute preadmission phone call. As I nor any member of my immediate family has been or is currently a member of the Communist Party, I hope it won’t be too bad. Honestly, though, what questions about my health require 40 minutes to talk about? Still, I would much rather get read the trans riot act than not be prepared myself or receive substandard care.

On the slightly more personal front, I’ve nearly completed preparations for surgery. I haven’t lost all of the weight that I wanted to, but my health and stamina has greatly improved, particularly in my leg muscles. Left on the list are the aforementioned discussion, getting one more anti-androgen shot this week, filling all of the post-hospital scripts, and finishing the house’s spring cleaning. I do wish that we had a bit more money saved up, but, if everything goes well today in a meeting with my line manager, that may not be as much of an issue. I still can’t believe that surgery is so close.

The closer it goes, though, the more I am in a quandry about what to do about this blog. I am certain that there will be a number of issues to discuss post-surgery. Auntie and I already have plans from going swimming for the first time in years to finally being able to have sex without crying about it afterwards. All of which, I want to put here, but, honestly, it seems that the lion’s share of those are simply completely private.

The social transition, the “real life test,” is really the biggest change. After my facial feminization surgery, people didn’t even recognize me. It made a huge difference in my life. While I expect that life after SRS will be much more rewarding and fulfilling, it strikes me that while SRS isn’t all about it, a large part of SRS is purely about sex. Yes, I’ll get to go swimming without much worry. And no, I won’t have to tuck anymore. All of those wil be a big relief, but they strike me as relatively minor. It’s certainly not a universal, but sex is rather private for me, something that I share with just one other person and after quite a bit of groundwork is laid down (so to speak). So, after all is said and done, after I have healed up, do I close this chapter and move on? Hm. Dunno. I have another non-trans blog elsewhere and post fairly regularly to it. And I’ll be happy to give folks the URL if you email me (w3bgrl at this domain).

In essence, though, this blog is just an iceburg tip. The fundamental question is not whether I want to go “super-hyper-mega-deep” stealth or whatever the hell people call it but the degree to which I want to identify as trans. It’s a stubborn nut, I feel. If you do, then you are carrying around baggage. If you don’t, you are denying who you are. If you do, you are setting yourself up as an agent of discord in a society that pretends that you don’t exist. If you don’t, you are “selling out” in some way, neglecting other trans folk still in the community. If you do, have you “earned your stripes”? If you don’t, are you making it harder for people to go through the same thing that you did? I’d like to think that post-SRS, being trans is something like having a third nipple; it’s not really a big issue and doesn’t come up that often; when it does, it’s a little wierd, but it’s back under the radar soon afterwards.

But of course, all of this is simply the rants and raves of someone who isn’t quite there yet. I place quite a bit of faith in my own abilities; they have gotten me this far and that’s pretty darn good in my book, but here isn’t there and it’s often better to just let things be until their time has come.